Before you become a parent, there are lots of things you think you’ll never do. You see parents do and say things and you laugh and think “I’m definitely not doing that when I have kids!”
Oh, but how you change when you ACTUALLY have a child. You become a smug, over-enthusiastic, excitable mess who knows no boundaries when it comes to certain topics, like potty training girls, for example. I’m sure the lady sitting next to you on the train really needed to know your 50 hour labour. And the man serving you nappies in Asda probably didn’t want to know about your baby’s frequent poo explosions!
I’m holding my hands up and admitting – I’m one of those parents. I’m an over-sharer. I have no boundaries. Why do you think I started this blog?!
Here are my Top Ten Things I Said I’d Never Do:
1. I will never talk about poo – especially not in public
I am never going to talk about my child’s poop. It may be discussed with my husband, in the privacy of my own home, but only if absolutely necessary. I am definitely not going to have a lengthy conversation on a packed train about whether my son has done a poo today. I’m also not going to sit and discuss the various colours and consistency of my baby’s poo when eating lunch with my mum friends. Nope, not going to happen.
As a side note, you will also never see me sniff my son’s bum to determine if he has done a poo…because, you know, that’s gross.
2. I will never dress my child up in silly outfits
I vow to never be one of those mums who dresses her child up in silly outfits just because they are small and can’t protest. I will not take him to a weekly baby group where we dress up in all manner of embarrassing outfits (duck, frog, super banana….) If we are invited to a fancy dress party, I will dress him in something cool and understated, not as a cow!
Special occassions such as Halloween and Christmas are not going to be an excuse to parade my son around in a variety of different pumpkin/elf/penguin/santa outfits.
3. I will not have a mum hair cut
Now, I’ve had short hair before, so I’m not a stranger to cutting off my hair. However, I will not use the baby as an excuse to cut my hair. The words “it’s easier to manage with a baby” will not pass my lips once I cut my hair off. If I cut my hair and then decide to grow it back out again, I will not use the excuse “so it’s easier to put up”.
4. I will never use a wet wipe to “clean”
You’ve seen the meme right? This one:
This was not going to be me as a parent. I will clean properly every week, without using a wet wipe, even though they’re really handy. Never will I use a wet wipe to give my child a wash because I haven’t had time to bath him…
5. I will absolutely never drop the F-bomb in front of my child
Never will I swear in front of my child. I will have a picture perfect vocabulary, I won’t use slang, I won’t raise my voice in front of my child and I most definitely will not swear! It’s a total coincidence that my son’s first word is duck, ok?
6. I will never give in and give my child junk food
I swore as a parent no unhealthy food would pass my son’s lips. He will be brought up on a healthy diet of lots of fruit and vegetables. He will have a wholesome, home-cooked meal every evening without fail. I will not give him crisps, chocolate or ice-cream. I definitely will not share my chips with him when we are out in a restaurant, just because it’s the easy option.
7. I will not buy multiple stuffed toys that are the same
I will not be sucked in the game of having 20,000 comforters that are all the same just in case you lose one. My son will learn from a young age that if he can’t look after his possessions, then that is tough luck. If he loses his favourite comforter, he will just have to learn to love a new one. I definitely will not be frantically ordering an extra 3 online at 11pm because nursery sent him home with the wrong teddy and now he won’t sleep. Definitely not going to be one of those parents!
8. I will not be one of those mums who’s trolley is filled with wine
Oh how I judge those parents who have two (or more!) bottles of wine in their shopping trolley every week. Surely having a child isn’t that bad that you need to resort to alcohol every
day week? I will never drink excessively after a long day with my child, instead I shall go to bed and get an early night in order to be fresh for lots of fun-filled activities the next day!
9. I will not hide in the toilet to eat food so I don’t have to share
Obviously this is ridiculous and no parent actually does that! I will just tell my child no I am not sharing, and give them a healthy piece of fruit instead (as I won’t be feeding my child junk food as per point 6 above). I definitely won’t hide in the toilet with my phone as it’s the only opportunity to use it without my child wanting to steal it to take selfies….
10. I will NOT be an over-sharer on social media
I absolutely will not be one of these parents who puts every tiny little detail and photo of my child on facebook. I will not feel the need to share when my child first smiles, rolls over, crawls, walks, does a giant poo (see point 1). Photos will not be shared every day of every little outing we have, and I will not moan about how tired I am or how many hours sleep I haven’t had.
Have I kept to any of these rules? Of course not! What I now understand is that as a parent it is imperative to do ALL of these things!
Go on, admit it, you do them too….don’t you?
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