Ten Things I Said I’d Never Do as a Parent

Before you become a parent, there are lots of things you think you’ll never do.  You see parents do and say things and you laugh and think “I’m definitely not doing that when I have kids!”

Oh, but how you change when you ACTUALLY have a child.  You become a smug, over-enthusiastic, excitable mess who knows no boundaries when it comes to certain topics.  I’m sure the lady sitting next to you on the train really needed to know your 50 hour labour.  And the man serving you nappies in Asda probably didn’t want to know about your baby’s frequent poo explosions!

I’m holding my hands up and admitting – I’m one of those parents.  I’m an over-sharer.  I have no boundaries.  Why do you think I started this blog?!

Here are my Top Ten Things I Said I’d Never Do:

1. I will never talk about poo – especially not in public

I am never going to talk about my child’s poop.  It may be discussed with my husband, in the privacy of my own home, but only if absolutely necessary.  I am definitely not going to have a lengthy conversation on a packed train about whether my son has done a poo today.  I’m also not going to sit and discuss the various colours and consistency of my baby’s poo when eating lunch with my mum friends. Nope, not going to happen.

As a side note, you will also never see me sniff my son’s bum to determine if he has done a poo…because, you know, that’s gross.

Whether you use cloth nappies or disposables, you will talk about poop at some point in your baby's life!

Whether you use cloth nappies or disposables, you will talk about poop at some point in your baby’s life!

2.  I will never dress my child up in silly outfits

I vow to never be one of those mums who dresses her child up in silly outfits just because they are small and can’t protest.  I will not take him to a weekly baby group where we dress up in all manner of embarrassing outfits (duck, frog, super banana….) If we are invited to a fancy dress party, I will dress him in something cool and understated, not as a cow!

Fancy dress

Alfie loves a bit of fancy dress

Special occassions such as Halloween and Christmas are not going to be an excuse to parade my son around in a variety of different pumpkin/elf/penguin/santa outfits.

Everyone loves a Christmas outfit, right?!

Everyone loves a Christmas outfit, right?!

3. I will not have a mum hair cut

Now, I’ve had short hair before, so I’m not a stranger to cutting off my hair.  However, I will not use the baby as an excuse to cut my hair.  The words “it’s easier to manage with a baby” will not pass my lips once I cut my hair off.  If I cut my hair and then decide to grow it back out again, I will not use the excuse “so it’s easier to put up”.

4. I will never use a wet wipe to “clean”

You’ve seen the meme right?  This one:

Baby wipe

This was not going to be me as a parent.  I will clean properly  every week, without using a wet wipe, even though they’re really handy.  Never will I use a wet wipe to give my child a wash because I haven’t had time to bath him…

5. I will absolutely never drop the F-bomb in front of my child

Never will I swear in front of my child.  I will have a picture perfect vocabulary, I won’t use slang, I won’t raise my voice in front of my child and I most definitely will not swear!  It’s a total coincidence that my son’s first word is duck, ok?

6. I will never give in and give my child junk food

I swore as a parent no unhealthy food would pass my son’s lips.  He will be brought up on a healthy diet of lots of fruit and vegetables.  He will have a wholesome, home-cooked meal every evening without fail.  I will not give him crisps, chocolate or ice-cream.  I definitely will not share my chips with him when we are out in a restaurant, just because it’s the easy option.

Sharing

Sharing an ice cream – not that I had much choice!

7. I will not buy multiple stuffed toys that are the same

I will not be sucked in the game of having 20,000 comforters that are all the same just in case you lose one.  My son will learn from a young age that if he can’t look after his possessions, then that is tough luck.  If he loses his favourite comforter, he will just have to learn to love a new one.  I definitely will not be frantically ordering an extra 3 online at 11pm because nursery sent him home with the wrong teddy and now he won’t sleep.  Definitely not going to be one of those parents!

Teddy

Alfie never sleeps without his teddy!

8. I will not be one of those mums who’s trolley is filled with wine

Oh how I judge those parents who have two (or more!) bottles of wine in their shopping trolley every week.  Surely having a child isn’t that bad that you need to resort to alcohol every day week?  I will never drink excessively after a long day with my child, instead I shall go to bed and get an early night in order to be fresh for lots of fun-filled activities the next day!

My trolley will never be filled with wine...it will be cider instead!

My trolley will never be filled with wine…it will be cider instead!

9. I will not hide in the toilet to eat food so I don’t have to share

Obviously this is ridiculous and no parent actually does that!  I will just tell my child no I am not sharing, and give them a healthy piece of fruit instead (as I won’t be feeding my child junk food as per point 6 above). I definitely won’t hide in the toilet with my phone as it’s the only opportunity to use it without my child wanting to steal it to take selfies….

10. I will NOT be an over-sharer on social media

I absolutely will not be one of these parents who puts every tiny little detail and photo of my child on facebook.  I will not feel the need to share when my child first smiles, rolls over, crawls, walks, does a giant poo (see point 1).  Photos will not be shared every day of every little outing we have, and I will not moan about how tired I am or how many hours sleep I haven’t had.

You won't find a gushing/moaning status from me on facebook!

You won’t find a gushing/moaning status from me on facebook!

Have I kept to any of these rules? Of course not!  What I now understand is that as a parent it is imperative to do ALL of these things!

Go on, admit it, you do them too….don’t you?

Proud to be linking with:

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39 Comments

  1. Haha! Very good as always, Ms Jones!! You forgot my favourite though: “my child shall never watch tv”…of course, Baby Lighty never does this. The Peppa Pig soundtrack is just on in the background this morning as ambient music. #CoolMumClub
    Mrs Lighty recently posted…September SunshineMy Profile

    • Ha, that is a good one! Alfie isn’t really a tv watcher though – he likes the theme tune and that’s it. Which is good for me, as I get to watch what I want. He goes crazy for the Gilmore Girls theme tune at the moment…

  2. Yes yes and yes guilty as charged…especially on the one about hiding to eat food!! Nodding along and laughing at this. We are all the same aren’t we! Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely!

    • My so-called baby has the appetite of a full-grown man, so sharing isn’t optional anymore, he wants the whole thing – neither is putting under a cushion and pretending it is all gone! Hiding is the only option ha! Thanks for hosting xx

  3. Haha, I’ve done almost all of these, although I hover behind my daughter’s highchair to eat rather than go into another room, but I’m sure that will change soon! I’m laughing because I’m getting my hair cut tomorrow and I know I’ll tell the hairdresser to ‘cut it, but leave it long enough so I can still tie it back!’ #dreamteam

    • Wow, I can’t even do that! My child can be asleep but will wake up as soon as I crack open the chocolate – he has an inbuilt sensor. Ha, my hairdresser now knows to cut my hair in a “manageable” way! Thanks for reading x

  4. Wet wipes are in my Top 5 inventions of all time. I literally do all this and I’m sure I muttered to myself pre-motherhood that I’d never do the aforementioned things. I really need to be careful with my language though, you’ve just reminded me! #bloggerclubuk

    • It’s amazing how your mindset changes when you have a child! Ha, we have been using a lot of “fudge it” and “oh sugar” recently! Now to try and encourage the people around us to mind their language!! Thanks for reading x

  5. Oh my goodness I do all of these things & dare I say it (the bum sniff) but thankfully not in public (that I know of). This is the list you should be presented with at the hospital before you leave, just so we know we are normal, haha. Great post. Renee @peonieandme #bestandworst

    • Thankfully my son’s bum is so smelly, I don’t need to get close to know if he needs changing or not – you can smell him a mile off ha! That is a brilliant idea, could slip it in with the bounty packs haha. Thanks for reading x

    • I do this every day – I will make sure the toys are tidied before bedtime! I think I’ve done it maybe 5 times since Alfie was born. Got to the point where I think it’s only going to be wreck again in 2 minutes so unless we have company, I don’t worry too much! Thanks for reading x

  6. Yep this sounds about right! I also promised myself I wouldn’t be more lax with the second one… ummm yeah I definitely don’t remember my eldest eating some things the youngest already has until he was much older!x #bloggerclubuk

  7. Love this. It’s absolutely spot on. I did this in my head when I was pregnant with my first. How naive I was. Now I freely discuss poo, constantly overshare and probably annoy people on social media and most definitely do not have the perfect vocabulary haha. Pregnant with baby number 2 as well, worried for sanity! #bestandworst

  8. I’m fairly sure I’ve broken all of those rules apart from the poo one. I still don’t think its necessary to discuss it as much as we do! Funny post though – it’s hilarious how we all think we will parent in a certain way and then we have our babies and just end up winging it. #fortheloveofBLOG
    A Mum Track Mind recently posted…For The Love Of Blog #21My Profile

  9. Haha oh I agreed with every single one of these but particularly using wet wipes to clean everything (I MAY have used them to clean sick off the car seat the other day) and buying 5 comforters just in case we lose them at nursery. Oh how I’ve changed! Thanks for linking up to #dreamteam
    Bridie By The Sea recently posted…5 Things I Couldn’t Live WithoutMy Profile

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